Over the
past few weeks, several major fast food chains have introduced new and visually
disgusting additions to their morning menus, prompting what experts are calling
the "breakfast wars." Why? Because apparently there is $10 billion to
be made off of Americans who can't crack their own eggs in the morning.
Clearly,
we had to see what the fuss was about, so we sent one lucky researcher to find
out which is the least of three evils: the stalwart (McDonald's Egg White
Delight McMuffin), the faux elite (Starbucks Bacon and Gouda Sandwich), or the
crazy-eyed, shit-stained new kid (Taco Bell Sausage Waffle Taco)? Remember,
whoever wins, society loses.
#1.
Which Breakfast Is Ugliest?
If
you've started your day by shouting about food out a car window, you're not
expecting the "Mona Lisa" on a plate. I get that. But at some point,
you've got to ask yourself this hard question: "How revolting is the food
I'm wolfing down as I drive this vehicle to work?"
McDonald's
Egg White Delight McMuffin
At first
glance, the Egg White Delight McMuffin looks like McDonald's is making a solid
effort at offering healthy breakfast food. Sure, there's bacon involved, but
it's Canadian, so it's healthier. It's not until you look closer that you
realize those egg whites look like someone fried up some Elmer's Glue and stuck
it in a bun.
Take it
apart and each new layer looks like a different stage of human decomposition.
Starbucks
Bacon and Gouda Sandwich
Hey, if
you're going to spend money on a drive-through breakfast, you might as well go
to hoity-toity Starbucks, right? This one almost looks fancy ...
...
until you open it up.
This was
when I discovered that the bread switched from "artisan delight" to
"sponged meat holder."
The
bacon was extremely thin, the "egg" was clearly yet another unholy
compact of monster ingredients, and the Gouda
Taco Bell
If
you're going to go balls-out when destroying your body in the morning, Taco
Bell is probably the place to start. You can tell what you're in for before you
even open the box.
That's
either grease or worker sweat:
Upon
opening the Waffle Taco box, I immediately assumed it was a practical joke
crafted in a rainy alleyway. It literally looks like a monster that wants to
eat you instead of the other way around. Do you see it? The waffle is the lips,
the sausage is the tongue, the eggs and cheese are the tartar-stained teeth (or
some alien form of neuro-toxic vomit). In any case, say "AHHHHHHH!"
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