The
below is a length article by Reuben Abati
"Have
you congratulated our new Ministers?”
“I am
still thinking about it, actually. I don’t know whether to congratulate them or
to commiserate or to pity some of them. They have merged Ministries that need
not be merged. Some Perm Secs are now floating. Six months and this is it?”
“What
kind of talk is that? You have come again oh”.
“I
wonder too. At least you can see that round pegs have been put in round holes,
and shame on all you doubting Thomases, our government is good to go.”
“”Who
is talking politics? Can we discuss Nigeria and leave politics out of it? And
please, leave that thing about pegs. Some pegs are neither round nor square,
they are misshaped.”
“Everything
is political.”
“I
know. Very soon, you will also insist that that funny walking stick Ngige was
carrying about, like the rod of Moses, is also political.”
“Okay,
what is your point?”
“I
have said it before and I repeat it again. I still think whenever Ministers are
to be screened by the Senate, their portfolios should be attached. It helps to
prepare the prospective Minister mentally. It deepens the screening process,
and makes it even more participatory.”
“There
is no such Constitutional requirement”
“Everything
doesn’t have to be in the Constitution”.
“Okay
we have heard. You have said it before. When next we are appointing Ministers,
we will disclose their portfolios”.
“What
do you mean we?”
“Na
we, now”
“Ehen”
“See,
I usually don’t vote. But this last election, I got my PVC and I voted. Those
PDP people already had their cup full. I voted for change.”
“Me
too.”
“But
the campaign is over, and I see too many of you still locked in an election
mode.”
“Na so
e be. As I dey sef, I dey wait for 2019. Na for Baba side I dey.”
“This
Baba syndrome is a problem. It is breeding a culture of mass sycophancy,
hypnotism and amnesia”
“Grammar!”
“When
you elevate a government to a semi-divine status, you lose sight of your
responsibility to hold government accountable. The ascribed, contrived, or
self-imposed divinity of elected officials is a threat to democracy”
“I
think you should be holding this conversation with your brother, Patrick
Obahiagbon, I beg. Simple matter, you want to give somebody headache. One of
these days, I will arrange a meeting between you and the Igodomigodo. Any
little talk, somebody must look for dictionary. You too dey show. Na only you?”
“Leave
am make e dey yarn. People who have become Ministers have become Ministers.”
“Look
at it this way, I know one of those old Ministers. The day he was given a
portfolio, a very important one at that, the guy said he didn’t know what the
Ministry was all about. I was shocked.”
“Well,
I am not shocked.”
“He
ended up creating problems.”
“We
know.”
“So,
what usually happens is that when a man takes a Ministry, he had no prior
knowledge of, he spends the next six months trying to figure it out.”
“That’s
why Baba has chosen experienced people who have been in government at senior
levels.”
“But
one of them has said he is there to learn”
“Who
is that?”
“You
go and find out.”
“If I
may play the Devil’s advocate, I think what the man means is that he is open to
ideas. As human beings, we are always learning. At the retreat, the point was
made clear that this is not a cabinet of learners, but drivers. People who are
ready to move things forward.”
“Were
you there? Suppose they can’t move anything.”
“Someone
told me. I have my contacts.”
“You
are just a bloody gossip. The truth is that some Ministers spend the whole time
learning and moving nothing”
“I see
noise-making has started already”.
“We
don’t need noise. I want to see the change I asked for with my PVC.”
“Fashola
is the luckiest guy.”
“Baba
meta, himself.”
“What
is that?”
“Power,
Works, Housing. The Holy Trinity of
Government.”
“E
remain make dem add Finance.”
“Fashola
is mai mhe-en.”
“I
don’t envy him. I actually sympathise with him. I hope he has not been set up
for demystification and disambulation.”
“Why
don’t you speak like a normal human being?”
“Those
three key portfolios make him a Super Minister.”
“They should just have named him Co-ordinating
Minister of the Economy.”
“No.
We don’t need that. Every Minister is important.”
“Fashola
in that assignment, I tell you, will need the services of a doctor, a massager,
and prayer warriors”
“Don’t
worry yourself. The man will do it. He performed in Lagos. The moment he left,
Lagos shut down. See how Ambode is struggling with Fashola’s big shoes. It is
just Fashola’s wife that I pity.”
“What
has his wife got to do with this? Please.”
“You
don’t know? This one that they have made him a Baba Meta; I swear, when next
the man shoots straight, his wife go born triplets! One for Power, one for
Works, and the other for …”
“Amaechi
wife, na twins that one go born.”
“Are
you guys alright?”
“Wait
oh, e be like say na only one Baba give Amaechi. Transportation.”
“Na
two. Transport not Transportation. Baba has added …ation for Aviation. Amaechi
is in charge of Transport. He is in charge of Aviation, add the two:
Transportation. Him na Baba Ibeji.”
“With
control over 15 parastatals/agencies. God! You have his phone number?”
“No. I
no get. But Baba didn’t treat our brother, JFK well”
“He is
in charge of Solid Minerals. That is a very strategic Ministry. It is like
Agriculture. A developed Solid Minerals sector will further diversify the
economy and increase non-oil revenue.”
“But
na only one they give am.”
“Me, I
thank God that he has a portfolio. I think PMB gave him Solid Minerals
deliberately to please Fayose.”
“What
has Fayose got to do with this now?”
“Everything.
You know he was the one who begged President Buhari to give Ekiti state, a
solid ministry. He said Ekiti people don’t want any yebuyebu Ministry but a
very solid one.”
“So?”
“So,
the President has shown that he listens, and he has given the people of Ekiti
State, the Ministry of Solid Minerals!”
“You
are not okay.”
“Ekiti
is solid. Whatever Fayemi is able to do in that Ministry, his efforts will be
appreciated. But as for Amaechi and
Fashola, well…”
“Who
is in charge of Niger Delta? That is another strategic Ministry”
“Na
Pastor they put there oh. Pastor Uguru.”
“Me, I
just hope the man knows that that is not a Ministry where you go and chop
guguru oh. It is an important
portfolio.”
“If
Uguru likes, let him chop guguru. As long as he does not chop alone, and the
people of the Niger Delta get enough popcorn too.”
“But
wait a moment, is that not the same Pastor who during the Ministerial screening
swore that God forbids him having anything to do with PDP members?”
“He
didn’t swear. He said it.”
“He
will probably need a one-on-one retreat with President Buhari. This is a
government of nobody and a government of everybody.”
“Hey!
Even our critics are beginning to quote us as if they are quoting the Bible.
Patapata we go win again o, winner! ”
“Just
tell your Uguru that he is not an APC Minister, but a Minister of the Federal
Republic, whose doors must be open to everyone.”
“Hen,
hen. Are you looking for contract already, or a consultancy? Do I give you the
man’s number?”
“I
don’t need his number. I am making commonsense”
“Oh,
you want to become another Ben Bruce, the commonsense Senator? He goes about
saying he is making commonsense.”
“He is
right. We need commonsense”
“We
don’t need commonsense. Too much commonsense caused all our problems. What we
need is uncommon sense, to get rid of common nonsense. Tell him.”
“Who
is in charge of Finance?”
“That’s
the Ogun State Ministry”
“What
do you mean Ogun State Ministry? I am asking you who is the new Super Minister
in charge of our money?”
“She
is from Ogun State. Kemi Adeosun; she speaks fone.”
“I
hope she won’t become a Madame No.”
“Madam
what?”
“Madam
No Money.
“Nobody
will try that with us. We will tell that person what to do”
“This
is part of the problem with governance; too many people claiming to know what
should be done. I don’t remember PMB making you a Minister, adviser or errand
boy. When these Ministers start failing, we will talk again.”
“Leave
us alone, I beg. It is our turn…...
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